Mediation: A tool for advocacy

Advocating for the rights of Key Populations especially LGBT+ persons and sex workers is a challenge in Lesotho. Sometimes there is serious backlash, forcing activists to adapt and become dynamic – constantly engaging new strategies to best address the problem. Recently, another tool has been brought in to try and tackle the reaction. Mediation. Although it addresses a small portion of people at a time, its implications are impactful and far-reaching.

Mediation is a process by which a neutral third party helps people in conflict negotiate a mutually acceptable agreement. Its main purpose is to help parties to continue their personal relationships and strengthen their bond.

This mediation tool is often engaged when families confront another member who belongs to the LGBT+ community or who is a sex worker. *Thapelo Khajoane’s family cannot forget how mediation brought them together and managed to make them a happy family again. *Khajoane is the son of *Mathapelo and *Lefa. He has spent most of his life staying with his aunt in town while studying because his aunt’s place is conveniently close to his studies. His parents live in the rural areas in Thabana Morena in the district of Mafeteng.

Because his parents did not know he was gay he asked his aunt, who is accepting of him, to talk to them on his behalf. This caused serious trouble. Not only for him but for his aunt as well. There was fallout because his parents believed that it was his aunt who encouraged him to be gay.

“I remember it was late in the afternoon in winter when my father said I should leave his premises before he does something that he will regret. I was hurt and embarrassed. All this drama happened outside and neighbours were watching,” said the aunt, *Ntsoaki Khajoane.

“After I left the premises I saw Thapelo coming after me carrying his bags because he had gone home for winter vacation. He informed me that his parents told him not to set his foot at their place ever again. Although he tried to be strong, I could see the pain in his eyes. He went some days without food,” she added.

This situation did not sit well with him and he sort out an intervention, a mediator to try resolve the issues between him and his parents. As a trained mediator and activist I went with him and his aunt to visit his parents and discuss the issue. At which point I had already informed his parents about the visit and our intentions. Luckily, they agreed to see us.

During the ground rules session I explained the process of maintaining calm and speaking with respect during mediation. I emphasised that as a neutral party my interest was to help the family resolve their issues. It was highlighted to the members involved that they should own the process and come up with a workable solution.

Parties in mediation can share what does not sit well with them. Mediation in a non-judgemental process which reminds them to focus on the importance of continuing with their relationship. Parties are guaranteed the confidentiality of the process.

At first tempers were very high but we managed to have the matter resolve amicably. As the family was reminded of the importance of staying calm. Being a good listener helps a lot because I paid attention to each party’s interests. This helped assist the resolution disputes. Being patient and persistent is also key.

“I couldn’t believe it when my father said he was sorry to me. It was a dream come true,” said Khajoane.

His mother was speechless after the meeting. She later admitted that the thought of losing her son was killing her inside. She said it had been a difficult time because whenever she raised the topic and brought up her son’s name, it would result in a fight with her husband.

Today his parents have stepped up to the plate. They are the ones protecting their son against hate speech directed at him and the family. They also encourage other parents and families who are conflicted about having a child who belongs to the LGBT+ community by letting them know that although it’s was a difficult journey – it’s not a death sentence.

Mediation has not only helped the Khajoane family. Recently we resolved another fight between *Tebatso Lethoko and his parents. Lethoko is a transgender man who has the intentions of undergoing gender-affirming surgery to have his breasts removed. When his parents learnt about this they were so hurt that it caused serious tension in house.

“All along I was not happy that my daughter changed herself to be a man because of money but always hoped that she will come to her senses. According to him, he has heard that people who claim to be gay get a lot of money from America and most people become gay because they need money. What makes matters worse is when I saw her developing a beard. Now she is removing the breasts. I am facing such a painful and hard time in my life,” his father said. After mediation, at least his father *Mokaloba Lethoko now seems to understand his son better.

As a mediator putting yourself in the shoes of those who are involved is important. Empathy.

The father indicated that whenever they discuss this issue with their child they felt disempowered as parents because of how defensive he was. The father was also open enough to agree to go for counselling arranged for him. The mother did not say a word during mediation except crying and she refused to go for counselling. We encouraged the father to talk to his wife to help her come to terms with the issue.

The families have agreed that we can use theirs as examples of success stories as advocacy tools if we keep their identities anonymous. These stories will go a long way in helping eradicate stigma and discrimination by including them in different media platforms and facilitation dialogues. We also intend to train more mediators. These parents have agreed to be part of the training because there is value in their sharing what they know and understand with other parents facing similar struggles. It takes a drop to cause a ripple. Together we can achieve a lot.

Tips on How to tackle conflict through mediation – Advice for the mediator:

1. Stay Calm: It’s important to remember that this is an emotional situation.
   2. Be patient and persistent.
   3. Always identify the party’s needs and interests in a dispute. Be clear on what everyone wants to get out of the session.
   4. Listen well and pay attention to details.
   5. Be non-judgemental and put yourself in the shoes of those involved.
   6. It’s important to have knowledge on the subject in order to help bust myths. Like explaining to the father that being gay doesn’t come with some sort of pay-out.
   7. Be able to control the process as chairperson.
   8. Encourage parties to be directly engaged in their settlement negotiations.
   9. Guarantee the parties about the confidentiality of the matter. Although they can allow the mediator to disclose to details of their session to others.